Getting Organized

Tonight I buckled down and started looking at my finances and what I have and haven't done artistically in sales this year. First let me explain - I have done hardly anything to make or push any kind of sales. Everything I have currently is sort of on automatic pilot - a couple things on Etsy, some images on a public forum on Cafe Press, and my very outdated webpage - of which I'm not even certain which email it's supposed to send to if people have questions *blush* Alot of cleaning needs to be done to at least give a fresh start to the remainder of this year, and the beginning of next year.

I sat down and hand wrote all the various things I want to (and need to) keep a record of. I got out an archaic 3 ring binder with tabs and paper. I realize that the computer is more efficient - but there is something fun about having a tangible book to play with and decorate and .. well - be artistic with as well as logical. Then I started looking at the sites i do play on and started recording everything down in pen on paper. Somehow seeing it written before me kind of made it hit home - this is real. A dream I started back in 2004, getting a fresh start. It's exhilarating!

Now that I see what I have done, it's time to sit down and actually set out my goals, battle plan, and things I need to get done, and a realistic time frame to get them done. I also need to take note of the things I need to spend money on, how much and how to save for it. This is an effort in focus and will for me - I am distracted by anything shiney and can easily loose my focus for a week at a time if I don't keep myself focused. Thus why a tangible notebook I have to look at, touch and play with every day can make a world of difference :P I might even scrap book, and collage the battle plan to allow the two sides to have a say (right brain left brain) - I'm just pleased as punch to be making steps this far into what I want to do.

Ultimately the plan is to get to where I am creating an hour a day - something, anything, for friends, for myself, for the sites - doesn't matter - creating for creatings sake - I can put a name and a place to it when I'm finished. Just get myself to the page, and get those creative juices flowing. I have alot to say artistically, written, and a little of both.

It may seem silly to write all this down and make it public, but I share it both for myself, and anyone wanting to get started with their own stuff. A historical journal if you will - to look back on, and learn from, and share.

Productive night

I am so pleased with tonight. I made alot of progress on my battle plan, and some real forward movement into the future. I still have quite the to do list, but at the top of that is to get to bed at a reasonable time so I can hit it again in the morning. There is nothing standing in my way anymore from seriously pursuing what I want to do, and what I believe I can do. The sky is the limit and now is the best time to begin. I have had so much on hold for so long - I'm just busting at the seams to get ready and start making this real. There are no rules - I can make, draw, sculpt, create anything I like as long as I have the supplies. I don't have to stick to one particular thing - it's fluid right now. The more I do the more I'll find my style and my flavor in what I like.

It's very exciting, and worth every ounce of belief in myself. This is for me, for my boys, for our future together.

A step - a breath - a beginning

New Start

It's now November, and alot of changes have occurred in my life. I haven't glanced at or even looked at my website in nearly a year - not really looked at it. It's time to clean house, add new artwork, and delete old outdated stuff from it's hallowed pages. I have new friends with lovely websites that I would love to link, and I refuse to put their work on an old outdated website that has enough dust to be a health hazard. it's time to rebuild, rethink, and believe again. I have alot of work to do - so I will keep this short and add updates as I go along.

Cheers :D

Childrens Books

So in the self help book Artist Way it starts you dreaming and writing what you really want. You work through projects and ideas to break down blocks and fears and hesitations that tend to get into the way. I have read this book 4 times - once all the way through, twice to chapter 10 and then stopped for one reason or another. I didn't believe as firmly as I do these days. The book helped me get half way until I made some drastic changes and sought out therapy. These changes have been hard, but I'm better and stronger for it - and am so very glad I sought out therapy to help with everything

All that is just part of what's going on right now. My excitement stems from the revival of an old dream. A set of early reader children's books I came up with before my kiddos were born. The idea is for me to both write and illustrate these books - every single one. The ideas have been rattling in the back of my mind wanting to see the light of day. I think it's time to start the actual living breathing portion of the Dr. Frakenstein piecing together - wonder if I could make a laboratory artistic space just for fun he he he. There will be alot of research put into these, as well as alot of time into the art and writing that will make them really something to treasure. The ideas are a teaching concept for young children about the world around them. I don't want to say too much because it would spoil the surprise - however I do plan to post pictures, scans and such that won't spoil the surprise but show what I'm up to. This is a beginning, one I feel I've waited a long time for. No more waiting - time for the doing :D

I cannot believe how beyond jazzed I am about this!! YAY! :D

more to come .... :D

June

The house is quiet. It is strange still not having my kids full time. I thought I would find myself endlessly creating with wild abandon. That hasn't been the case. In fact most of the time I spend the time reflecting on what makes me tick. I have told my therapist I am my own best subject - I honestly mean it. I have turned my life inside out and backwards in my mind in the attempt to seek a healthy mentality. My life isn't that different from most people - we all have our trials and our tribulations. We all face challenges in a myriad of ways and live the life we've been given in the ways we see fit.

What I'm finding as the days pass and I get used to being on my own is that creativity still runs through my veins as strongly as ever. It is presenting itself in different ways though. I write alot more, I've reinvented my wardrobe, My arrangements are getting better and quicker. My jewelry is taking on a whole new flavor, and I have a collection of shoes (yes this is odd for me :P ) I seem to be my creative canvas for the moment. There is nothing wrong with that - I imagine everyone goes through phases where they totally overhaul themselves from the ground up. I rather like the spicier sassy me that is emerging. I ponder when I totally embrace my self confidence and strength what I will be like. I'm not so worried about the end result as I am enjoying the journey. The feel of new fabrics in my fingers and upon my skin, the sight of shoes that actually entice me (still very weird - I've always been a tom boy), all of a sudden I'm ooing and awing over corsets, steam punk Victorian era clothing, and chokers - I adore chokers. My old wardrobe has found itself on the racks of the local thrift store, and I hope it makes someone else happy. Theatre tickets, sampling new cuisine, and finding music that appeals is also a new focus. It's alot of fun :P

I do however feel I'm at a point where I need to start showing up to the page every day again. I have several projects that have sat on the back burner while I found my footing. Some I've promised to others, and some I have always wanted to do. Time to buckle down and see what appears on my page as I allow the creativity to take hold and really pull my focus into the projects. It's been a long times since I lost myself in a picture without fear of being interrupted. Rather excited at the prospect this really is what my new life is like. When the boys are here we play and play hard, when they go to bed I dance. Now it's time to switch things up a bit. Time to put the music on and let the rhythm guide my hand and paint and artwork.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine today about reconnecting and connecting with artists of like minds. I am starting to reach out and embrace other creatives in engaging conversations. Support and encouragement comes from without as well as within. There is nothing quite like an artist circle cheering each other on to make the creativity flow with more confidence.

Tiny steps - one at a time. Keep moving forward!! Keep breathing. :D and absolutely show up to the page and let the creativity guide the chosen tools of making :D As a very dear friend of mine reminded me - Leap and the Net will Appear! Serendipity will make the path smoother, and creativity really does like to breathe and live in new creations.

Yay - it's time to play!! :D

Magic

As time passes and I learn to live on my own and face my own fears of being alone I find that there is a tsunami of emotions I've not allowed myself to feel. These emotions have stood in the way of my artwork and free creation. They have stopped me with guilt from throwing myself fully into a moment to feel it entirely. My artwork comes from my passions, my heart, my soul, my whimsy and my desire to explore the unseen. I have allowed others to stop me and I have stopped myself from allowing that to shine - to really come forth and present itself in the form of images, written words, and physical representation.
As I release the emotions of guilt, fear, trepidation and pain I am starting to see a whole new landscape before me. One where magic exists in the pages of my sketch books, where powerful landscapes and figures jump out of my daydreams and want to show themselves to the world decked out with their weapons, armor and various trinkets.
Among my insane amounts of blank paper I also seem to have collected quite the library of how to books. How to draw dragons, robots, faeries, clothing, perspective, and a whole array of cartoon and caricatures. I also have painting books, illumination and calligraphy books, quilting, sewing, and cookbooks. My passions have shown their way by the collections I have kept. I seem to have hidden troll dolls, dragons, mermaids, faeries, all sorts of shiney glass, candle holders of various shapes and sizes, and various odds and ends in the nooks and crannies of my home in various figurines, trinkets and pictures that show very plainly that I am a whimsical artist. I may have been hiding, but I still shone with the treasures I brought home.
Apparently I am not as squashable as I before assumed. I shine brightly to myself now - and it's baffling how I couldn't see it before.
I embark on new adventures now - in my own mind and heart - and I have my pencil poised to capture the various critters, peoples, and landscapes I encounter. I'm very excited to see what flows upon my canvases now - only my own imagination is the limit!
I know, most likely, I will still hit road blocks and challenges. However, my stride is more confident, my heart is thumping loudly at the prospect that I have a whole new world to explore!! Time to see what the future holds without trepidation - carpe diem as they say!! :D

New Life

So much has changed since my last post, and yet in a way nothing has changed. I am still seeking balance within myself. I am still trying to figure out what life and living is. The one answer I have found to be true is that I wasn't being true to myself. Due to that real failing towards myself I couldn't be much for anyone else around me. The past couple of months I have made tough decisions for the betterment of all. Some have called those decisions selfish - but if they had walked in my shoes and saw and felt what I felt they may or may not have made the same decisions. I don't posses any mind other than my own - and therefore cannot make any decisions beyond those I feel are the best for myself and my children at the time the decision is made.

As a result of those decisions I sit in my own place, an apartment I now call home filled with light and color. There has been a series of emotional battles fought upon these floors - all within my own mind and heart. At first I could not touch pencil to paper without tears. I could not gaze upon my paints without fear. My canvases sat blank as they have for the past several years, and my insane amounts of pads of paper sat unopened in the corner of my room. It was a total shock to see just HOW many art supplies I had collected in the attempt to prepare to create something, anything. I have been hoarding and stashing supplies for years - waiting. Every clearance sale and garage sale was the opportunity to collect more, and they would go into piles that would collect dust until the next clearance sale. It's mind boggling actually.

I did create - I have a website filled with finished and framed images. Every image was a tough battle to pursue an image that showed itself on the page. To chase it's outline and details and nail them down before fear took over, or doubt, or life got to busy or any amount of excuses that threatened to make the image just another half finished unfinished piece. I have boxes filled with such. I have portfolios filled with experiments and doodles and some finished pieces too. The attempt to show the world I really am an artist, and once in awhile I would add a new image to show progress into that dream without actually pursuing it with the heart and soul I truly wanted to. Don't get me wrong - every finished piece, every sketch, every attempt at something new added to my arsenal of skills and knowledge. I don't regret a single line or paint stroke. What I regret is that I only partially half lived the dream I wanted to and let fear and doubt drown my attempts so many times.

This brave new world is frightening - odd - when I was a teen there was nothing that could stop me from conquering anything that crossed my path. Now I fear the future due to it's uncertainties. I hope to embrace my younger views with my older and more experienced knowledge. To start being true to myself, my dreams, my wishes and hopes. I don't want to be afraid to find out just what I can do anymore, nor do I want to make excuses for why I am not drawing an hour a day. Those are goals I have written down and taped to my bathroom mirror. It's a start.

I have drawn - dragons seem to be filling the pages in my sketch book. Some cute, some fierce, some just basic. Regardless of their basic structure - I find the fierceness they carry, their humor, and ageless wisdom, somehow comforting. I may not be able to predict life tomorrow, a week from now or a year from now. I can however plan to draw as many dragons as I can fit unto the pages of my sketch books. Learning bone structure, muscle structure and the intricacies that they hold. When I get bored with that I will move onto whatever catches my fancy. I have commissions that have waited years to be filled - another goal I have is to find the faith to finish them with such beauty and grace that the wait is worth it.

When I started this journal it was intended to record the progress I made as an artist. To show those that read it that I am as human as they are and that if they wished to pursue their dreams it was entirely possible. Not only possible, but worth every step toward that dream. I hope to make that happen now with this journal. It is not intended for personal jabber about the drama's of life - but instead for the journey I take as an artist. My successes, failures, attempts and experiments. I am just one woman - with an insane amount of paper begging to be turned into something more fun than the polar bear in a snowstorm look. I have whimsical images begging to be brought into the light to play with the viewer. I have serious images that may tug at the heart. I have romantic and nude art I wish to present as beautiful and tasteful - if not a tad on the playful side. It's time to begin, stop making excuses, and see if I can't jump into the drivers seat of this dream I've held since I was a child - to be an artist.