Stalling
3:02 the clock reads as I toss and turn in my blankets. My heart pounds in my throat, and no matter how I breath, position or lay, I can't seem to make it stop. It's that sheet soaked heart in the throat feeling you get from a nightmare that has successfully scared the hell out of you. Yet I can't remember a single image or thought. Just the constant pounding of my heart. My husband sleeps inches away and I dare not touch him for fear of waking him and enacting his on insomnia. I toss on my pink fluffy robe over my bare skin, it has been like a teddy bear comfort many times in these nighttime ventures. I meander to the kitchen to put water to boil. Hot cocoa is the cure for all middle of the night ills in my opinion. Although sleepy time tea would do me a world of good. I know not why my heart pounds, although I have suspicion. I just pray those I love are alright, and soundly sleep in their own warm blankets. A storm rages outside covering the world yet again in a blanket of snow - will spring never fully arrive.
The house is silent save for the random snuffle or snore, and of course the clickity clack of my keyboard as I steadily type along. There have been many changes in my life over the past month. Alot of old memories have been shared with a dear friend that has brought to life the old me that used to love life and hadn't yet been seduced by the droll hum drum of the daily grind that adults seem to forge their lives and imaginations into. Memories roll across my mind now, memories of dancing for one. I snagged my ipod, dusty from sitting on the shelf. Charged it up, and it has been a constant companion for two weeks now. The music plays, I sway and dance. I looked around the house to find it truly too cluttered to dance - so I cleaned up the basement to make a "dance floor" of sorts. Now my feet hurt, my legs burn, my breath comes in ragged gasps and glasses of water get tossed down my throat at regular intervals. I dance - dance to feel the music coursing through my veins. Dance to feel the magic of the world around me swirl and shift. I dance to exercise, to push myself to move. Finally I am moving and not sitting, I am creating with my body, sweat and breathing what I've dreamed of for years. A mix of ballet, jazz, erotic, ballroom, and pure my inventions flows from my feet and up through my fingertips. I imagine a world created by me all around, a world where magic is possible, and friends I can't see often are there existing and keeping me company. Somewhere along the line I lost my appetite - between eating to stay alive and dancing I've lost 13 pounds - I plan to loose much more through pure sweat if I can help it. It feels awesome to have energy again. I'm landing my spins better, my center of gravity is better - and I just feel better all the way around. A simple thing to dance, you simply move. Why then did it take me 17 years to get back to it - why did I wait till I was 33?? To be honest - it doesn't matter - the reality is I'm no longer waiting - I'm doing!
My art has suffered for the love of dance, images have come across my desk loosely and largely unplanned. A new me is emerging - one that believes in magic with a powerful love of music. I don't know who this new me is, but I like her. She's more daring, more courageous - more ready to take on the world as it were. She doesn't hide behind her covers or behind her hands. She sits up tall and straight and doesn't make excuses - or at least I'm learning not to. The old frumpy hum drum me is shedding her skin to reveal a beautiful real version of myself. I don't look at magazines at the corner market anymore = who cares what they look like in those tabloids - they are simply glorified barbies anyhow. They aren't me, they aren't going to stand over me and say "don't eat that, exercise more, take care of yourself" they are going to make barely fabric dresses look beautiful - you know the ones no real human can wear. So why bother, why let the "American Ideal" get me down. All it does is make me look less, feel less, and be less. I want to be more!! More me, more real, more alive.
5:00 am - that's what my computer reads as I type this sentence. Two hours it took for my heart to return to normal and for sleep to pull heavily on my lids. Another night of sitting and typing, another night where sleep eludes me. I wish I were out making memories right now - mmmm yummy :) For now though I think me and my sock feet are going to shuffle back to bed and see if my pillow feels more like a pillow than a sack of bricks.
Thought for the day = what would make you love life again??
The house is silent save for the random snuffle or snore, and of course the clickity clack of my keyboard as I steadily type along. There have been many changes in my life over the past month. Alot of old memories have been shared with a dear friend that has brought to life the old me that used to love life and hadn't yet been seduced by the droll hum drum of the daily grind that adults seem to forge their lives and imaginations into. Memories roll across my mind now, memories of dancing for one. I snagged my ipod, dusty from sitting on the shelf. Charged it up, and it has been a constant companion for two weeks now. The music plays, I sway and dance. I looked around the house to find it truly too cluttered to dance - so I cleaned up the basement to make a "dance floor" of sorts. Now my feet hurt, my legs burn, my breath comes in ragged gasps and glasses of water get tossed down my throat at regular intervals. I dance - dance to feel the music coursing through my veins. Dance to feel the magic of the world around me swirl and shift. I dance to exercise, to push myself to move. Finally I am moving and not sitting, I am creating with my body, sweat and breathing what I've dreamed of for years. A mix of ballet, jazz, erotic, ballroom, and pure my inventions flows from my feet and up through my fingertips. I imagine a world created by me all around, a world where magic is possible, and friends I can't see often are there existing and keeping me company. Somewhere along the line I lost my appetite - between eating to stay alive and dancing I've lost 13 pounds - I plan to loose much more through pure sweat if I can help it. It feels awesome to have energy again. I'm landing my spins better, my center of gravity is better - and I just feel better all the way around. A simple thing to dance, you simply move. Why then did it take me 17 years to get back to it - why did I wait till I was 33?? To be honest - it doesn't matter - the reality is I'm no longer waiting - I'm doing!
My art has suffered for the love of dance, images have come across my desk loosely and largely unplanned. A new me is emerging - one that believes in magic with a powerful love of music. I don't know who this new me is, but I like her. She's more daring, more courageous - more ready to take on the world as it were. She doesn't hide behind her covers or behind her hands. She sits up tall and straight and doesn't make excuses - or at least I'm learning not to. The old frumpy hum drum me is shedding her skin to reveal a beautiful real version of myself. I don't look at magazines at the corner market anymore = who cares what they look like in those tabloids - they are simply glorified barbies anyhow. They aren't me, they aren't going to stand over me and say "don't eat that, exercise more, take care of yourself" they are going to make barely fabric dresses look beautiful - you know the ones no real human can wear. So why bother, why let the "American Ideal" get me down. All it does is make me look less, feel less, and be less. I want to be more!! More me, more real, more alive.
5:00 am - that's what my computer reads as I type this sentence. Two hours it took for my heart to return to normal and for sleep to pull heavily on my lids. Another night of sitting and typing, another night where sleep eludes me. I wish I were out making memories right now - mmmm yummy :) For now though I think me and my sock feet are going to shuffle back to bed and see if my pillow feels more like a pillow than a sack of bricks.
Thought for the day = what would make you love life again??
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